Turban Askew: October 2007

By Steve Bhaerman

Background checks for planetary renters?
by Swami Beyondananda
Dear Swami:

It's amusing for me to see so many people worrying about the state of the world and trying to figure out what to do about it. For those of us who are already saved, we know where this world is going – straight to hell! Meanwhile, the righteous will be lifted up and taken from this Godforsaken planet to dwell in the House of the Lord forever. So stop wasting your time and energy and know there is only One Way. The signs are everywhere!

Benton R. McGedden

Lynchburg, Virginia

Dear Benton:

Congratulations on buying a condo in the afterlife! I own some of that unreal estate myself. Being a swami who believes in reincarnation, I didn't even have to pay cash. I just put it on my Ascended Mastercard and billed it to a future lifetime. So maybe I'll run into you at the Ascended Masters Golf Tournament one of these epochs.

Re. your recent spiritual transaction: Read the fine print. While our Father's Mansion has many rooms, apparently before they let you actually occupy one, they rightly want to make sure you're not going to trash it. And apparently, they check the record on how we've treated the planetary home we now occupy as an indicator of what kind of tenants we're likely to be in the afterlife.

Remember back in elementary school when the entire class had to stay after school just because of a few troublemakers? Well, apparently our entire species is on the verge of flunking third dimension, and that would be sad indeed. We've been on this physical plane for millennia, and you'd think by now we'd have learned how to fly it. I mean, come on. Where's our species pride?

As for the "signs" you've been seeing, if your "one way" is anything other than the one way of love, I say "do not enter." You are obviously going the wrong way.

Dear Swami:

I heard a rumor that you've found the secret for being young again. Is this true, or is it just an idle rumor?

Sarah Tonin

Brattleboro, Vermont

Dear Sarah:

Obviously, it's not an idle rumor at all since it picked itself up and made it all the way out to the east coast. But yes, the rumor is true. I came upon the secret quite accidentally. I was on a radio show promoting an anti-aging product and because of the equal time rule, they had to have a pro-aging person on as well. And it was this person who revealed the secret of getting young … through aging. The secret? Reincarnation! The quicker you get old, the quicker you'll reincarnate and be young again. Hey, I've done it thousands of time, and I can tell you there's nothing quite like popping out of the oven fresh. The soul still progresses, so even though you're coming back young, you're a little bit older, if you know what I mean. And guess what? At some point, you'll be old from the very beginning … and stay young all the way through.

Dear Swami:

I've just seen the movie "Sicko," and it was excellent. Now I'm mad as hell at the drug companies and the HMOs. When are they going to focus on prevention and lowering medical costs?

Jacques Kitsch

New York, New York

Dear Jacques:

I agree with you about the movie, and in fact I wrote an 8-word review for Variety magazine: "'Sicko' is Socko, 'Cause Health Care is Suck-o." And the film is obviously already having an impact because the drug companies and the HMOs have combined forces in a massive billboard campaign to promote wellness: "Don't get sick. You can't afford it." 

Visit the Swami online at www.wakeuplaughing.com

This article was originally published on September 30, 2007.