Turban Askew: March 2008

By Steve Bhaerman

What goes around comes around and, sooner or later, we all get rear-ended by our own karma.
by Swami Beyondananda
Dear Swami:

I’m concerned. I recently read something you wrote about “Nonjudgment Day” when you predicted that everyone will win beauty contests, and all the lawyers will disappear. Well, I’m an attorney, and frankly, I’m not at all comfortable with disappearing. I like being here, and I like the law. Hopefully, you and I will be able to settle this misunderstanding amicably out of court.

Sue Dehrpantzoff

Dear Sue:

Well, I needed a new suit! The last time this happened, someone tried to sue me for an inaccurate prediction under that new law they had passed in California, the Seersucker Law: “If you’re a sucker for a seer, and what the seer sees sucks, you can redress your grievance in a seersucker suit.” That’s why I don’t make predictions anymore. That, and protecting my nonprophet status.

Anyway, what I meant to say is, on Nonjudgment Day we won’t need lawyers because all our trials will be over. Enlightening will strike, and we will find ourselves innocent! Now of course, innocent people still have conflicts … and here’s where you come in. And that is also where the Bible missed an important point. After “they shall beat their swords into ploughshares,” the part they left out is “and they shall press their lawyers into mediators.” It’s in the Akashic Record book; you could look it up. But who says you have to wait for then? You can open up franchised one-hour mediation centers in malls everywhere. You could call it Just Justice … “justice in just under an hour.” There. Now I have given you legal advice, so … we’re even.

Dear Swami:

It seems in every part of the world, nations and peoples have been holding grudges against one another for centuries, each one with a cherished story about why the other is evil. Each generation, these stories seem to get reinforced by new perpetrations. Is there some way we can finally heal these wounds, and move on?

Yuri Laxnow

Dear Yuri,

While it is true that time heals all wounds, it is also true — if you accept the law of karma — that time wounds all heels. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later we all get rear-ended by our own karma. Meanwhile, we seem to focus more on wounding other heels than healing others’ wounds. The problem with these knee-jerk reactions is, we usually end up kneeing the wrong jerks.

That is why reincarnation is so important, because we take turns playing all the parts. We’ve all been wounded healers, we have all been healer-wounding heels. This is true of nations, and peoples too. Show me a nation that has never been a perpetrator, and I’ll show you a nation that doesn’t exist. Yes, every people has perped on other peeps. Every people has been perped upon. But in this shrinking world that could use a good shrink, the perks of perping have peaked. We have reached peak perp.

As cells in the body of humanity, we can no longer keep attacking one another and expect to stay healthy ourselves. After all, how often do you read about the liver invading the pancreas and claiming the Islets of Langerhans as its own territory? After millennia of following a dyslexic interpretation of the Golden Rule — doodoo unto others before they can doodoo unto you — it is now time for humanity to come together and metabolize the toxic residoodoo of this mistaken myth-interpretation.

How? I thought I would I never ask. How about a worldwide forgiveness ceremony where all of humanity does the right thing and admits to our wrongs?  I’m sure Brenda Lee wouldn’t mind leading the entire world in singing, “I’m Sorry.” Maybe the Pope would agree to hear confession from the leader of every nation. To make sure it’s not just a Catholic thing, we could hold the ceremony on Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. Released from our attachment to guilt and shame, we can live like nomads: I no mad at you, you no mad at me. And finally in this moment of “at-one-ment,” there will be no madness on the planet.

 Dear Swami:

OK, Swami. I have a riddle for you. What wears army fatigues, smokes cigars and is NOT a Muslim?

Saul Yorz

Dear Saul:

Infidel Castro?

 © 2008 by Steve Bhaerman. Visit Swami online at www.wakeuplaughing.com.

This article was originally published on March 7, 2008.