Swami Beyondananda

By Steve Bhaerman

Where the Swami answers your questions and you will question his answers

by Steve Bhaerman

Dear Swami:

I have to wonder what kind of collective mental illness we have in America where a public-minded prosecutor like Elliot Spitzer can be brought down in days when he runs afoul of Wall Street. Meanwhile, the Bush Administration has violated national laws, international laws, and our collective moral sensibilities, and somehow that’s okay. I wouldn’t put it past them to bomb Iran while they’re still in office. I’m concerned, and I’m wondering if there is anything we can do to head off that horrific possibility.

Tristan Schaute

Dear Tristan,

I’m afraid we now have a new affliction to add to the panoply of diseases our poor body politic is suffering from. Along with Mad Cowboy Disease, Deficit Inattention Disorder, Irony Deficiency and Truth Decay, we now have Spitzerphrenia. That is where you can be nailed for screwing a prostitute, but if you screw the entire world, you get off scot-free.

Regarding your other question, we must bring the Iranian and American people together to face the one danger we share in common-our lowest common dominator misleaders under the influence of unfun fundamentalism, motivated by fear instead of love. This mutually reinforcing terror is a locomotive that has us on track for a train wreck.

That is why the unarmed forces of both nations must bewilling to take up arms in a totally new way. Yes, that’s right. Arms. Only this time, we are to use our arms in the only appropriate way-for hugging. Imagine a preemptive peace ceremony where ordinary American and Iranian citizens stand in front of one another in complete attention, present arms, and hug. And then the whole world can be put at ease.

Dear Swami:

I’m thinking of hiring you as a spiritual adviser. How accurate are your past predictions?

Randi Holway-Holm

Dear Randi:

Past predictions? 100% accurate. I can predict the past with uncanny accuracy. If it’s already happened, you can count on me to tell you. If it hasn’t happened yet, that’s trickier. After all, this is a universe of infinite possibilities. You’ve heard of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle?Well, now they’re not even sure that is true. Even so, the best way to predict the future is by accurately assessing the present. In other words, if we keep going where we are headed, we are likely to end up there. As for making me your adviser, I have to tell you it is not advisable. For one thing, anyone who asks me for advice is already in so much trouble, that it is doubtful I can help. So, here is my policy: I am happy to offer you advice, provided you promise not to take it.

Dear Swami:

I noticed a while back you suggested a name change to an individual suffering from bad luck. I may have a similar problem. I’m sure my Vietnamese parents didn’t mean me any harm, but I think they’ve put me at a distinct disadvantage. Not only that, but I recently had my astromusicological chart done and found out I was born under the song sign, "I Can’t Get No Satisfaction." Can you help me, Swami?

Ho Lai Minh

Dear Ho,

Wow. Having said that, I realize you’re in more trouble than I imagined. So, yes. A name change can make a huge difference. Like the guy who came to me with money issues. His name was Osborne Poe. We made the switch, and now he’s Richard Denhue. Then there was the unsuccessful football player, Ben Schwarmer. He became Linus Grimmage, and his name is synonymous with football. For you? Well, you might try Hugo Farr. And while you’re making changes, change your birthdate. They won’t let you do it in California, but if you just drive to Nevada, you can legally change your date of birth. You’d only have to become six months older to be born under the Beatles, "I Feel Fine."

This article was originally published on June 1, 2008.