Slightly Off Center: iWorld 6.0

Out visioning the visionaries.
by Dennis Hinkamp

JD Salinger dies and the iPad is born on the same day; coincidence? The famous reclusive writer and the famous exclusive Apple product confluence heralds in something; I’m just not sure what. Salinger was famous for not wanting to publish anything in the 45 years since “Catcher in the Rye,” and now fewer people will be able to publish anything not designed for some sort of eReader.

How will this all play out? It’s hard to say, but things are changing so rapidly that I’m starting to feel nostalgic about things that were invented and disappeared barely two years ago. You know something is about to die when the mainstream starts hawking seminars on social media and Web 2.0 webinars. I can imagine my grandparents getting a ground mail invitation for a seminar on “How to Understand Rock and Roll and Use it in Your Business.”

Social media is expanding so rapidly that it is no longer cool. Viral videos really aren’t viral if there are a bunch of people in a room trying to think up a viral video. YouTube is becoming the internet version of World’s Funniest Home Videos featuring children, pets and inebriated adults doing dangerous things.

In response, I’m going skip the Web 2.0 nonsense and jump straight to iWorld 6.0 for no particular reason other than to out-vision the visionaries.

Do you want to really expand your network beyond the global economy? How about Spacebook? It will allow you to share ideas, jokes and funny videos with real or imagined aliens. Of course even at the speed of light it will take six years to get a reply to some of your messages, which is still a quicker response than the federal government.

Apple, listen to me. You can only make so much money selling to gadget-loving propeller heads. You are going to have to expand your line of products to the other 90% of the population. Start with a line of iGuy gadgets, such as a camouflage iPad that has a bottle opener and makes grilled cheese sandwiches at tail gate parties. If you really want to expand your market, your iThings need to open. Right now you can’t even change the battery on any of your phones, computers or music players. Trust me, guys like to look under the hood.

Cloners and bioengineers, I have some work for you that will help feed the world without the fear of extreme genetic modification. All you need to do is develop uglier, meaner domesticated meat animals. There is plenty of meat protein in the world; it’s just that much of it is too cute. Even most of the people who get backyard chickens can’t eat them when their egg laying days are over because they are too cute. We already have enough cute things, and you are just adding to the problem by making ultra cute dogs like labradoodles and Cocker-poos.

Animal geneticists need to develop rabbits, chickens, goats, cows, sheep and pigs that are ugly and snarl at you. You don’t want them to actually bite people, mind you, because that would make them too difficult to raise on the ranch. We just need animals so unpleasant that even vegetarians would be glad to see then ground into sausage.

Don’t forget to sign up for my free iWorld 6.0 Webinars, hog my blog and eat my Tweets. Turn on, log in and drop out.

Dennis Hinkamp admits that President Obama may not be able to make all these improvements in his first term.