Slightly Off Center: Dog FAQ

While Dennis is away, his dog fills in.
by Luba Hinkamp

While Dennis is still on vacation busily stuffing his useless snout with pizza and beer for another few weeks I thought I’d take this opportunity to fill you in on dogs. This is not just my opinion; I’m huge on Facebook and Twitter and combined answers from all my canine followers and BFFs. These are the FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions):

Q: What kind of music do dogs like?

Opera, banjos and bagpipes are the closest to the sounds of our ancestral wolves howling in either joy or pain. We still get a kick out of that Jiggle Bells Dog thing every Christmas even though I’m pretty sure it was just computer generated.

Q: Why do dogs hang their heads out the windows of moving cars?

We hang our heads out of car windows pleading for help from the police or anyone nearby because you humans are so stupid driving while talking on cell phones, eating and brushing your teeth. Please stop and just drive. Thanks for leaving the tasty food wrappers on the floor, though.

Q: Why do dogs always fall for the fake fetch throw trick?

No, we’re not really fooled by the pretending to throw the ball trick or faking one direction and throwing it the other. We are just humoring you like your spouse who laughs at that same joke you have told at every dinner party for the last 10 years. We always like to say, “You can’t teach an old human a new trick.”

Q: Why are dogs always napping?

It makes perfect sense to take a nap in the morning right after you get up; that is the time of day when you most wish you could sleep. And don’t you always feel a little sleepy after you eat? So yes, that is the rhythm of our day: snack, nap, snack, nap; repeat until bedtime. You overly serious bi-peds are just jealous.

Q: Why do dogs like to chew on bones?

It reminds us of when we ruled the Earth. You don’t really believe it was the Ice Age that caused the wooly mammoth to disappear, do you? I look at elephants on Animal Planet and think “yum.”

Q: Do dogs get tired of eating the same thing every day?

Why would we? That’s a human trait —you are so fixated on experiencing new things that you forget that every day is new and wonderful. Every meal is a banquet, every walk is a parade. Yeah, I know, sort of a cross between Zen and being in the Marines. This reminds me though: Dennis, and many of your ilk, run, swim and go to the gym and then are too tired to take us for a measly walk around the block. If we try to go for a walk on our own, the city actually pays someone to pick us up and throw us in a truck. You are so mean sometimes: That’s why we occasionally lose our tempers and bite you.

Q: Are dogs really man’s best friend?

This is such a silly question. I always answer, “Compared to what?” I don’t see zebras, carp or lemurs putting up with the stuff we dogs do. But sure, we are best friends forever because we are co-dependent in our need for acceptance. As Mr.T used to say, “We pity the fools.” u

Luba would like to thank you for reading and Dennis for finally taking her for a walk after proofreading this.