Turban Askew: Swami B Plans a New Jewish State in Utah

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Turban Askew: Swami B Plans a New Jewish State in Utah

What he doesn't realize is that here they would automatically become gentiles.
by Swami Beyondananda

Dear Swami:

Since you are so attuned to it all, I figure you understand animal communication. So … maybe you can help. I have this cute little brown dachshund named Poopsie who loves to sing – in private. The reason I know he loves to sing in private is that every time I've had him onstage to sing in public, I can never get him to do it. The way I get Poopsie to sing is, I begin to howl myself and he joins me – except in front of an audience. We've tried this numerous times, and the results are always the same. I'm up there howling, and the Poopsie is looking at the audience with this perfect Jack Benny expression. People are laughing uproariously – for the wrong reason. Swami, this dog is so cute (especially in his little hot dog costume) that I know Poopsie could be a hit – if only I can get him to sing. I know you have a solution.

Karen Fieding

San Marcos, California

Dear Karen,

Well, it so happens I do. People are laughing? That's great. It means the act is perfect just as it is, and all it requires is a slight repackaging. Just advertise Poopsie as the world's first doggie ventriloquist. And if you can get him to drink water while you are howling, it will be even more convincing.

Dear Swami:

As someone getting older, I've heard that you can extend your life by eating less. Is that true? And if I were to limit my food intake, do you know of any food that would provide maximum nourishment to an older person?

Dinah Little

Gulfport, Mississippi

Dear Dinah:

Well, as someone growing older – you have a lot of company. As for eating less, you may not actually live any longer but it will certainly feel that way. Now I'm no nutritional expert, so I'm just going to have to rely on common sense here. If there's one food that seems like it's absolutely made for older folks, it would have to be elderberries.

Dear Swami:

While I was meditating the other day, I think I might have come up with a solution for the Middle East crisis. Since the war over the Holy Land is a turf war, and since spiritual enlightenment is an internal state, why don't we simply give up the turf and create peace on our own grounds? What if the United States created an alternative Jewish state right here in America? There are a number of western states that don't seem to be doing much nowadays. Not only would it enhance America's income at a time of economic distress, but it would absolutely confound those folks waiting for the Temple to be rebuilt just so the Jews can be destroyed in the Rapture. Seems like a win all around to me. What do you think, Swami?

Stan DoffischBeverly Hills, California

Dear Stan:

Well, I have mixed feelings about your idea. On one hand, it's totally ridiculous. On the other, it makes a whole lot more sense than what we are doing today. I must admit, the more I thought about it … the more I thought about it. As to which western state we choose, that's obvious – Utah, which we will of course, rename "Jew-tah." For one thing, it comes with a Great Salt Lake even saltier than the Dead Sea. For another, I don't think the Mormons would mind sharing at all, especially when the Jews point out, "God spoke to us first." Yes, without having to defend against anything except an occasional cheerful missionary, the Jewish people would finally be able to establish a state of tikkun olam – "healing of the world" – a veritable Jewtopia, populated by well-heeled healers. Of course, to be totally fair we would have to offer the Arab peoples a state also, and that call is equally obvious – Arabama.

 
 
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