Turban Askew: Not Following Politics

By Steve Bhaerman

Plus the Swami's hare care tips.
by Swami Beyondananda
Dear Swami:
Am I a lone voice in the wilderness, or are we as a species absolutely nuts? We have people supposedly guided by the Ten Commandments killing each other like crazy, and we're spending our resources as a planet on war and weaponry instead of love and protection. Where are these religions when we need them most? Or is it time to scrap all of our spiritual traditions and try something else?
Vladislav Gottu-Duwiditz
Prague, Czech Republic

Dear Vladislav,
It's a mad, mad, mad world all right. And what seems to keep the madness in place is this: Just because we keep doing the same crazy things over and over, we begin to imagine those things are "sane." Take war. Please! Especially that most oxymoronic one, the holy war in the Holy Land. Holy cow-pie, that's wholly insane! I guess they must have modified the Ten Commandments while we weren't looking: "Thou shalt not kill, except in extremely large groups."

I've said it before, but maybe it bears repeating. It could very well be that the Ten Commandments are just too much to bite off all at once. Maybe we should start with One Suggestion: "We're all in it together." Each and every one of us is totally unique, just like everyone else. We're all one with the same One. The Universal Oneness. The Universe has us surrounded; we might as well surrender.

People ask me all the time if I'm a creationist or an evolutionist, and I tell them, "both." We humans were created to evolve, otherwise Jesus would have said, "Now don't do a thing till I return!" Maybe it's time we children of God finally grow up and become adults of God, and realize we are the Creator's creation created to create. In other words, we're not here to earn God's love, we're here to spend it!

What if human society made the collective choice to live as if we're all in it together? Imagine a world gone sane. Imagine a new mission to conquer inner space and achieve humanifest destiny – manifesting our destiny as humanity – to re-grow the Garden from the grassroots up, and have a heaven of a time doing it.

Dear Swami:
I know you follow politics, so maybe you can answer this burning question. Is America ready for a woman President?
Freda Peoples
Jamaica, New York

Dear Freda,
First of all, let me please clear up a misconception. I don't follow politics, nor do I recommend following it. That's exactly how we got into the mess we're in today. If we the people were to lead politics instead, we'd be much, much better off. In answer to your question, I have meditated long and hard about that very issue. I went back and looked at every President from George Washington on, and I realized that every one of those guys was a male. That means that electing a woman President would be … unpresidented. And having spent the past few lifetimes living in this country, I can tell you unequivocally that America does not like sudden and abrupt change. Therefore, this entire electing a woman President must be a gradual process. So I recommend we elect a transvestite first.

Dear Swami:
I read something recently that I found quite disturbing. Apparently, many shampoos contain toxic and even carcinogenic ingredients. Knowing that you're a clear-headed chap, I was wondering what kind of shampoo the Swami uses.
Rhonda Gamut
Des Plaines, Illinois

Dear Rhonda:
I never use shampoo. Shampoo is a sham. I only use real poo. It's an old Jamaican recipe, and I understand it's what put the dread in dreadlocks. Anyway, when my hair started thinning around the top I figured it was time for some fertilizer. Apparently, excessive meditation can actually fry the hair follicles from the inside out, leaving a tonsorial ring. That's how those meditating monks got the name "friars." Anyway, I applied it topically, put on my turban to provide just the right growing conditions, and off I went. That was 13 years ago. One of these days, I'm going to take off the turban and see just how well it worked.

Visit the Swami online at www.wakeuplaughing.com.

This article was originally published on August 31, 2007.