My Corona

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Let Uncle Dennis tell you a bedtime fable. “Stop crying, Jimmy. I’ve done all the research and there is only a .001% chance of a monster coming out from under your bed to eat you; sweet dreams.” You wouldn’t say this to your three-year-old who was crying in his bed, so don’t use percentages to […]

Pleasures out of place

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I’m experiencing mixed joy this week, but there is some twisted irony in knowing that the person who stole my credit card number used it to buy a home security system. I’m not complaining too much. Excessive credit card interest rates will pay for my losses and perhaps the security minded perp will end up […]

Unresolved: Predictions for the new Roaring Twenties

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If I had made any, most of my New Year’s resolutions would be dust by now. Resolutions sound too certain when most of the world is mostly conflicted and unresolved. I’ll limit my new decade bloviating to predictions. They are easy because you can claim genius by reminding people how right you were while most […]

Cold will bring us together

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Utah winters generally last November through May, adjourning for a frenetic season of road construction. It’s that time of year when we alternately curse and exalt the four-letter words, snow and cold. I’ve been a winter hater for most of my 39 years in the state. I obviously don’t hate it enough to move, but […]

Meat your maker

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Most days I do want to save most of the planet and most of the people residing on said orb, but there are so many choices. I’ve already made the biggest contribution to the planet’s health by simply not doing something: not procreating. It is going to be hard for anyone to lower their carbon […]

Countdown

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It is an old but pertinent joke. Why is there is a highway to hell, but a stairway to heaven? That should tell you something about music, life, the afterlife and the state of humor. If I can correctly recall my Catholic theology, “Limbo” would be a treadmill, which really is hell on Earth to […]

Thoughts while walking the dog

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If this is such a great economy, why do we see so many young women who can’t afford pants without holes ripped in them? The young men seem to be able to afford belts now; I don’t see nearly as many with their back pants pockets around their kneecaps. Kneecap level pockets are what cargo […]

Walking the walk

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For most of my first six decades on this planet I routinely dismissed walking as some lesser form of exercise. I belittled even “jogging” because it seemed too recreational and silly sounding compared to actual running. As a runner and triathlete I accumulated a lot of ribbons, medals, trophies and sports injuries. Wading  into the […]

Love it & live it

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The yuks come easy when someone says, “I’m going to X-place” and you say, “Oh I’m sorry.” Or you can always refer to your birth city as “A nice place to be from.” Completing the rule of comedy thirds, you could also refer to X as the “armpit of Y” for a guaranteed guffaw. I […]

What’s a sport?

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I  see a lot of CrossFit people flipping tires end over end across fields and gym floors in Cache Valley where I live. They might be strong, but don’t they know that it is easier to move tires by rolling them right side up? That’s literally why wheels were invented. I guess CrossFit is a […]

Nostalgia in a time of mindfulness

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Nostalgia is a long soothing warm pool with a deep end full of non-vegan sharks. In fact, I think the sharks are paleo/keto and there is no lifeguard on duty. I feel the siren call to go to that end but on that end is my end. Is nostalgia even allowed in an era of […]

Border madness

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Not to sound too utopian, but borders only exist on maps. They are conceptual art at its best. You can’t fly over the land and see outlines of the countries and states we were required to memorize in grade school, much less the counties and county seats. Ideally, all states would just be perfect rectangles […]

Editing is the key to happiness

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Tidy is such a passive word. You can’t ruthlessly tidy but you can ruthlessly edit. Tidy is the new word that goes with the Marie Kondo cult. There is nothing wrong with her philosophy. We all aspire to clean out the garage and junk drawer…someday. We share the dream of filing our taxes early and […]

 
 
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