Slightly Off Center

Slightly Off Center: May 2017

By Dennis Hinkamp

Cheer up, snowflakes.

I know that my fellow snowflakes are going through the typical stages of grief associated with the loss of a loved one. Our loved one was not Barak Obama so much as the liberal agenda that we clutched like a squeaky dog toy. Three months in, it is time to stop whining and start shining.

The war on coal is over, the bodies are buried, the medals have been handed out and now we need to turn this frown upside down. It’s time to start Coal Tourism! Forget Arches National Park; it’s too crowded. Forget the Grand Staircase and Bears Ears, nose, throat or whatever; it’s too politically volatile. Who wants their vacation ruined by a bunch of Patagonia-wearing protesters? You know how popular those Civil War reenactment things are? Just think how many jobs coal-mining reenactment will create.

Have the family come to Eastern Utah to spend a weekend in a real re-opened coal mine! Kid-sized picks, jump suits, hard hats and ventilators! Get sprayed down with coal dust and have your photo taken with a black lung survivor! Dad gets to sit in one of the giant excavators, push buttons and yell like a drunk at a Packers game. Mom can have a cup of tea with the other ladies and discuss how they are going to spend all the new cold hard carbon cash that’s going to be rolling in. As a semi-educational bonus, just down the road you can see the fossil remains of the dinosaurs and plants that died millions of years ago and became the coal we love so much today.

Of course, these reenactments are just the temporary tourism jobs to tide us over until the real boots in the ground jobs start rolling in. It will take some time to retrain software developers and cosmetologists to extract coal, but we can do it.

Free from the tyranny of climate change regulations, we can take this spirit and let it trickle down through the economy. For starters:

We can reverse the engines on those huge worthless wind turbines, power them with clean coal and literally laterally blow the pollutants out of our state so they can be enjoyed elsewhere.

Sure, we got a lot of snow this year, but the winters are trending in the other direction. Now is the time to get ready for ATV and motocross madness on what will be formerly known as Utah’s ski slopes; Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!…Okay, maybe not Sunday since it’s still Utah.

Electric cars were cute, but really why should the government subsidize these now that we know that reducing carbon emissions is a waste taxpayers’ money? How do we know? President Trump said so and it was confirmed by his press secretary. Has anybody actually seen CO2 other than in a book? Don’t worry, though; all the remaining electric cars will make the coolest golf carts ever!

You’ll be able to keep your hey-look-at-me solar panels, but only if you string your own wire from your house to the grid in Central Utah right next to the clean coal plant.

We all know climate changes almost daily. Why should we have to pay people to research the obvious? Just join hands, snowflakes; there is going to be a double rainbow any day now.

Dennis Hinkamp puts the chasm in sarcasm.

This article was originally published on May 1, 2017.