—by Dennis Hinkamp
The news headlines have been so depressing lately I’m thinking positive thoughts and focusing on a brighter future. This is the headline news I predict we’ll see in the near future.
Amazon and Google Merge and Launch Previous-Day Delivery (PDD) Prime.
After years of spying on our spending habits, browser history and other intimate behavior, the two corporate predators have perfected a system of delivering things you want or need the day before you want or need them. They, for instance, have been tracking your shaving habits and can thus deliver new blades precisely one day before the old ones lose their sharpness. You never have to run out of coffee or filters again because PDD Prime knows your consumption patterns. With access to the processor in all your electronic devices they can send replacements, parts or batteries just before the thing goes dead and you are forced to read a book.
The aforementioned would be simple to do, but by using advance psycho-social algorithms, PDD Prime can also track other life indicators and anticipate your needs.Having discovered that your child did not get admitted to Harvard, they could send you that new car you can now afford a day before the rejection letter hits your mailbox. Planning an affair? Make sure an expensive distracting gift is sent to your spouse the day before you embark on your tryst.
There still are some bugs to work out regarding health-related products. Your PDD Prime could go terribly wrong, should you start receiving medications before your doctor has presented you with your latest test results. Exercise equipment could start piling up on your doorstep if PDD mistook your donut orders for the church with your personal donut consumption.
FOX Announces Two New Shows for Fall Lineup
‘The Loop” is described as “a groundbreaking new reality television show about the making of the making of a reality TV show.” This will be followed by a new news show called “Angry White People Yelling Stuff” which they describe as “self-explanatory.”
GoPro Rolls Out a New Safer Camera
Tired of being blamed for people doing risky, stupid extreme things, GoPro has added a new line of cameras made out of actual egg shells. Users are advised to walk slowly and not to jump too much when using the camera. It comes with a variety of accessories that allow you to attach it to a pillow, air mattress or a bowl of sand.
Drones Temporally Deemed Legal
The FAA approves drones for any and all uses but within a week the EPA reverses the decision claiming the drones are blotting out the sun and causing excessive global cooling.
Burning Man Was Better Last Year
Burning Man Festival organizers citing a shortage of hippies and continued gentrification of the event have decided on a new, edgier image. Next year the festival will be rebranded Epic Burning Man.
Dennis Hinkamp believes all these predictions are possible if we really work on it.