—by Dennis Hinkamp
I hope this finds you happy and well. I was unable to find your email, but I hope your personal assistant will direct this letter to you via social media. I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you back to the movie business. I know that in these times of short attention spans, YouTube and video games it is difficult for an aging monster to find challenging roles.
As a fellow traveler down the pothole-riddled road of life I feel a strange kinship with you. We have grown up and old together. I know you are proud and strong-willed but please accept my puny attempts at advice for what they are worth. I have found semi-joy in life by following these simple precepts.
Diet and exercise: You seem to swim and walk everywhere so you should have good aerobic capacity, but this can’t compensate for your poor food choices. Sure, it’s fun to eat buildings, cars and fighter jets but is this really the best diet for an aging lizard? Have you considered occasionally laying waste to an orange grove or field of kale? This would also help cleanse you of many of the toxic ingredients you are ingesting.
Personal relationships: I think the reason you are cranky most of the time is that you don’t seem to have nurturing relationships in your life. I know you used to hang out with that moth thing and some kind of flying turtle but they didn’t seem like healthy relationships. These are more liberal times than when you started out; people are less judgmental about how and to whom you express your love. Perhaps there is a whale you could share your time with. Or, maybe a pet elephant might satisfy your nurturing instinct.
Rest and relaxation: While I don’t claim to be an expert herpetologist, I do know that lizards are cold blooded. They seem to derive pleasure and warmth from lying in the sun motionless on rocks unless disturbed. Given your size and surly reputation, I’m guessing you could lie on any rock anywhere for as long as you wanted without anyone bothering you. If you are like me, I think you will find that naps are one of life’s greatest pleasures that have been fully utilized only by dogs.
Travel and exploration: It certainly seems that cities annoy you, yet you keep coming back to them. Maybe you just need to spend a little more time in rural areas where the pace of life is slower and there are fewer people shooting at you. Might I suggest the Florida Keys or Cabo San Lucas; both have excellent local food and fruity rum drinks. I think a couple weeks on the beach would change your whole outlook on life. Don’t forget the sunscreen LOL!
Retirement planning: I’m having to go through the same thought process myself; what am I going to do when I retire or should I retire at all? How many times can you eat the Golden Gate Bridge before the thrill is gone? I’m sure you have noticed that it takes longer to recover from rigorous rampages as you get older. You wake up and there’s some new ache or pain that seemingly came out of nowhere. OMG, you must have to eat an entire Walgreen’s drug store to get enough ibuprofen to make it through some of those stunts you do.
Anyway, thanks for your time. If there is ever a Monster Senior Olympics, you are going to really kick donkey.
Your BFF, Dennis
Dennis Hinkamp would like to remind you that not all the characters in this column are real.