Slightly Off Center
—by Dennis Hinkamp
Given my heightened state of cynicism, some people find it hard to image that I actually was a student of the Bible (12 years Catholic school and 10 years of fundamentalist church hopping) and have two degrees in journalism (from that famous journalism school in Columbia, Missouri).
Of course, you must also consider that I did standup comedy every weekend for about eight years (in all the big clubs from Provo to Pocatello), spent 30 overlapping years in endurance sports (brain subjected to everything from heat stroke to hypothermia) and have gone to Burning Man 16 consecutive years (and have nothing parenthetical to say about it). We are all a mash-up of the different lives we’ve lived. (Since I’m not running for public office I’m nearly certain nobody will fact check the aforementioned autobiographical tidbits.)
You could say that I make stuff up with a studied mix of irreverence, randomness and accuracy. Spoken words sometimes fail me but written ones seldom do. For instance, if I were to update and extrapolate some common Biblical phrases, I would do it like this:
The meek shall inherit the earth at a time convenient to you; if that’s not too much trouble; we could always reschedule; get back to us if you want to…or not.
National Public Radio shall inherit the earth but will ask you to help fund it every six months.
The passive aggressive shall inherit the earth if the church would just let us.
The NFL shall inherit the earth but take no responsibility for any bad stuff while simultaneously reaping all the profits.
The millennials shall inherit the earth and finally be able to move out of their parents’ houses.
The introverts shall inherit the earth, just don’t make us attend the ribbon cutting or work in cubicles afterward.
The Democrats shall inherit the earth but the inheritance taxes will take all the fun out of it.
The Republicans shall inherit the earth but will freeze all its assets until the 10 commandments are edited to their liking.
The ADHDs will inherit the earth…wait, what did I just say? Can we go back to the original question?
The PTSDs will inherit the earth if we can do it slowly and quietly. Seriously, no more Big Bang theory.
The cynics will inherit the earth but won’t believe it until they see it in writing.
The dyslexics shall it in her the earth
The mommy bloggers will inherit the earth and make it craft-tastic.
Bacon will inherit the earth because it is slowly killing everyone else with its delicious, juicy crispiness. This reminds me, The World Health Organization (WHO) started this whole thing.
WHO said bacon causes cancer?
That’s right, WHO said it.
That’s what I’m asking, WHO said it?
I just told you.
Dennis Hinkamp shall not inherit the earth; to everyone’s relief.